i have too much time on my hands. I’m sure that sounds kind of dumb to some of you who may read this. some of you probably need more time and are much too busy. i wish i had that i’d like to go to school but i don’t know what i’d go for and i feel like it would be a waste to go just to go. i’ve been so depressed lately and i hate it i used to be so happy and cheerful and now i just don’t see the point of anything. every interaction i have doesn’t seem real. sometimes i feel as if im viewing life through a tv i really think i might be going insane i just wanna cry and scream. i don’t know why life seems so effortless for some people all i want is to be happy and make a decent amount of money to support a family on and that seems so impossible for me. so back to the beginning of this post having a lot of time on my hands doesn’t work well for me because i end up getting super depressed and i over think stuff it really just makes me want to put a bullet in my head but i love my family to much to ever put them through that im just really unhappy right now and i hate it so much
i know my post usually don’t have much meaning but i feel its meaningless to post without having followers but its nice to vent i don’t really care if people don’t read them
racism is one thing i think i’ll never completely understand. nobody ever has a good reason for it mainly because there just are none. i just feel bad for the people who are its not their fault most of the time they were raised to believe thats correct. does that mean they deserve sympathy? fuck no! any half way intelligent person should be able to see thats wrong. whats really shitty most people dont even realize that they are prejudices they see the racist extremist and they think well im not a nazi or in the kkk im not racist. you Know what its a fair question and it is a indicator as whether you are a racist or not. no matter which side of the fence your on if color makes a difference to you about a person then you’re prejudices/racist. we all bleed red and are built the same way no matter the skin color. this is what makes us human. one day i hope people will wake the fuck up not just about racism about all types of prejudice mentalities.
I hate when I can sleep I don’t so much mind the lack of sleep my mind starts to wonder and I get all philosophical and soul searchy. I usually end up bumming myself out.
A list of shit going through my head.
1. As human beings what the fuck are we? What keeps us going I have some understanding of how the body works but that’s not what I mean. There has to be something more to our bodies then we know who knows.
2. Am I the only person who feels like none of this is real. That I really could be asleep or that we’re all asleep and are somehow all connected kinda like the matrix. Sometimes I feel like death might be the only way to wake up but fuck that noise.
3. Death, one day we’re all gonna die and that’s the end of you forever? That just seems illogical. Unfortunately it’s the truth one day in just going to cease to exist that’s just a weird thought it won’t be like sleeping you’re just nothing you don’t think you don’t anything.
4. Am I the only one who creates awesome but very illogical scenarios in my head like living another life through my imagination. Which brings me back to number 2 how do I know I’m not doing one of those alternate life things right now? For all i know my life could be the hallucination of someone’s shroom trip or maybe this is really all a dream and ill wake up a 15 year old girl.
5. I’d like to live a monk life style not one that believes in an after life or worships a specific god or anything. I hate what a fake material world we live in if i could just secluded myself from everything and everyone and not know any different that would be amazing.
6. Why doesn’t some filthy rich person just throw be the keys to their Ferrari that would be cool.
this list goes on and list on this is my thought process as well as i can explain it which i don’t think i did a very efficient job. Its so much faster and chaotic. I think I’m going insane or either am already insane idk I’m gonna try sleep again. Dufuq did i just type?
(509) 426 7015